I wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world. I never had one minute’s real desire to do anything else, if I’m honest.
I wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me a lot of it wouldn’t come easy or that it would take me a decade and three kids before I could really settle into a peaceful inner life as a mom.
Resting today in the midst of sickness and sleeplessness because I have finally laid hold of the truth that my belovedness is a settled matter. Finally believing that deep in my bones and then replacing the voices that lie with the truth by the power of the Spirit of God has changed everything. Most of all, it’s changed my mothering.
I don’t parent from a place of fear anymore. Their performance, good or bad, doesn’t add to or detract from my worth. They are free because I am finally learning to be free.
There was a time when I would have spent this sick week berating myself for allowing them to get sick in the first place because I had set myself up as a little god in my home. All my perceived success and failure as a mom pointed straight to me, which I guess made sense because my frustrated outbursts really did control the atmosphere of my home. I had created a world for myself where I could work 20 hours a day and never feel like I deserved rest.
Somewhere between a miscarriage and a tremendously deep post-partum depression, God met me on the road and changed me forever. My failures and weaknesses added up to the gift of never enough and My utter lack made space for supernatural friendship with Jesus I had been missing while I had been working frantically to earn what can only be received.
If you’re reading this today and you’re feeling worn down and poured out, I hope you will hear me say I understand. And you’re right. It’s all too hard and you just can’t do it. And I hope you’ll take a few minutes to ask God and to show you the ways you’re still working and striving when you could be resting.